The real work-life balance is not directly connected with how many hours you work or don’t work. If you feel well-being and internal harmony, you will automatically arrange a life that is fulfilling. Sounds simple? Maybe too simple?
If you work 35 or 40 hours but are in a bad mood the whole time, you won’t feel balance. And if you work 60 hours but are enthusiastic and enjoy the people you work with and enjoy your purpose as well as your life outside of the workplace, you will feel good balance.
The challenge is to find your own well-being to handle all aspects of your life with grace and comfort.
My father (who was my step-father but was definitely more of a father to me than the person that biology gave me) was one model of good balance: he was dedicated to union work, and commuted from eastern Queens to Manhattan five days a week.
With that commute, he was out of the house from 7am until 7pm, but our family reliably had dinner together at 7pm every weekday, with very few exceptions. That went on from my seventh grade in 1964 until I moved out in 1978. He was admired at his job (I worked there two summers and saw it all) and loved at home, as well as appreciated by the couples my parents were friends with.
How about my own experience? Being self-employed in the software field up to 2003, my hours were long and somewhat uneven in scheduling, but I made sure to have a lot of time with my own family and children. I enjoyed the work and the family, so I did not feel out of balance despite working at least 60 hours a week.
How to get the work-life balance? In my case, it involved Tai Chi Chuan and meditation on a very regular basis. State of mind affects both physical and mental health, and we sometimes forget the importance of both those closely-related realities until something goes wrong.
There are many articles online about finding balance, and some do try to go a bit beyond an overly-simplistic duality of work and life and counting hours, but to my mind, they do not go far enough. An example of a good article on work-life balance starts in that direction but does not quite clarify how to find the balance and integration it describes.
I find that most discussions of work-life balance omit the very important aspect of our own state of mind. A peaceful, cheerful, socially connected person can work longer hours and still handle life with equanimity and joyfulness, while a person for whom that inner light is dimmed will feel overwhelmed rather easily.
If you can build up what resembles a storehouse of well-being, it is more possible to weather the challenges that come along. In the process, the issue of work-life balance does not arise. Things just feel right.
My intention is not to make this sound overly easy. However, I do believe and experience has shown me that when there is internal well-being, material needs are less of a concern, there is less worry, and daily activities are enjoyable. And there is no need to carefully count hours spent here or there.
The lesson I have thoroughly learned on this topic in these many years, and that I want to share, is as follows: taking time regularly for deep personal well-being avoids or softens many other potential issues of life.
Instead of the duality of “work” and “life”, a third very important aspect should be included in any such discussion, tentatively called “deep personal well-being”. That phrase needs some further discussion, but its main point is clear, and it is crucial in any attempt to find work-life balance.
May we all find that true balance in our lives.
I enjoy working as a therapist and coach with thoughtful individuals and couples from all walks of life. Psychotherapy sessions are available online across New York State, and in person in Roslyn Heights, NY; leadership work is available for those living anywhere English is spoken. A free 15-minute consultation is available for those curious about working together. All inquiries are confidential.
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