What Zen, Nonviolent Communication, and Fifty Years of Practice Have Taught Me About Overcoming Political (and Personal) Conflict
Many people in this country are struggling to pay bills let alone to thrive. In addition, the strong disagreement of belief systems in politics, science, and health issues creates a background of conflict that can make it harder to progress in solving our problems together, as a unified society. And the conflict adds to everyone’s stress.
So what to do? Before blaming someone (if you were going to do so), let’s talk.
Being positive in our perception and behavior towards other people makes life better. May I share with you how I see that applying, in quite a practical way, to things that are going on in the United States?
Two things I know are:
1) it is easy to find individuals or groups to blame for any problem.
2) attaching blame does not fix problems, while exploring to understand root causes can be helpful.
What I see online, and hear occasionally from people around me, is that “the others” are idiots, or are ignorant, or are intentionally destructive or even evil. Seeing that kind of sentiment expressed makes me wish that we could all see a better way.
If you stop thinking about “the others” as idiots, crazy, or evil, you can start to realize that is something else going on!
I offer a different way to perceive and understand what is going on that is more real, and more helpful. We will come back to how to handle societal issues, towards the end of this article.
What I see are millions of people who have been frustrated and in many cases also misled, for most of their lives starting as early as infancy. That harm is caused by people and institutions that they should be able to trust. Education systems, businesses, and society in general have become more impersonal and more transactional, and in some cases punitive and even deceptive. Human beings do not thrive in such a combination of environments.
Parents usually do their best to protect children, but they may also be overwhelmed by their own histories as well as by the forces of the surrounding society that affect children and teens—drugs and alcohol, social media instead of vibrant friendships, limited chances to explore nature, limited chances to explore their own potential with adult support, and insecurity regarding the financial and emotional future of “adulting”.
These are difficult situations that hurt, and we tend to prefer anger over feeling hurt, but the anger does not solve the problem either.
In 1941, Erich Fromm wrote in his book Escape From Freedom about the societal forces that led to authoritarian governments in Europe during that period. Most of the careful analysis contained in that book applies as well to today in the United States:
For some people the response to being isolated and misled is to become passionate about changing the systems we live in, trying to make life better. The approach chosen to achieve that goal may be counter-productive but the passion to solve problems is real.
For other people the response is to become more intellectual while criticizing those who disagree, in order to search for and implement logical answers, also trying to make life better. However, the focus on logic without empathy can lead to attacking the “opposition”. That leads to mutual alienation.
Other people withdraw and seem to become indifferent, to avoid the stress of confronting their own inner conflicts and the confusion of society.
And there is one more group that grows larger when a society has lost its collaborative nature: a group that enjoys setting the other groups against each other, because they believe they can get away with it. This last group takes actions in order to keep what they think is their control and their well-being.
What I see is that not one of us “control” life, not even that last group. We live it, moment by moment. The perceived security in wealth, power, and comfort is an illusion. Illness, old age, and mortality burst the best bubble of security we may create.
But there is another way.
What we can do is to improve how we experience, understand, and respond in all the situations of our lives; our response is what we control. Belief systems and practices ranging from Buddhism through Viktor Frankl’s Logotherapy emphasize that we can learn to improve ourselves and our responses through understanding and mental focus on what is real and beneficial. The effect of that re-alignment of attitudes can be profound.
For those who think the next $100,000 or million or billion dollars will make them happy: no, it won’t, and in fact it may reinforce distraction and isolation. Those who are wealthy may build walls to protect what they have while still experiencing anxiety and numbness; such actions make their problems worse.
Although those who are in dire poverty can make life better with some financial resources, for everyone else adding wealth on top of wealth can as easily be a harm as it can be a help. Many studies have demonstrated that reality.
So what can any of us do to make life better in this world where materialism is often being celebrated and promoted? Note that materialism includes grabbing for power and fame, as well as grabbing for financial resources.
What if we allow ourselves to see, and feel, that everyone is trying to make life better, even misguided leaders and misguided followers? It does not mean we should support harmful policies, and we can oppose those policies, but it does mean that there is no room for hating or trying to shame any of them.
Our minds need to expand if we want to fulfill the great opportunity that being human gives us; real growth of insight and action is the opportunity each of us has, and I would say it is also our responsibility. Sometimes it feels difficult, but it can be done, and many are on the path of growth, seen in both insight and action.
How can we expand the mind?
When insight and action align, we can overcome the anxiousness and confusion of our surroundings and we can make things better.
Returning to the starting point, may I suggest keeping something in mind? The something is that one day when there is the chance for peace among all the people of this nation, expressions of hate and disdain used in past verbal, physical, or financial attacks will be a barrier to trusting and appreciating one another.
In Nonviolent Communication, a valuable approach to connection and communication, one of the lessons is to beware of holding “enemy images”, where we think of others as our enemies or obstacles.
Calling people “stupid” certainly tends to prevent them from working with you, even if they eventually come to agree with your political and other positions in the future. Venting through insults fails to truly relieve the person throwing the insults, while it alienates the target of the insults. At best that approach creates a narrow-minded community with arrogance in common. Not very enjoyable, and not stable!
On the other hand, shedding light and inviting others into a better vision of the future, can help people move away from initiating harmful actions.
I recommend keeping in mind that inevitable future where we will once again try to work together more actively. It will happen, whether it is months, years or decades in the future. When we understand that, we can feel peace ourselves by doing what we can. And we become an agent influencing in favor of peace in the world.
So we should try to maintain kindness and respect in this current era of conflict, and resist the influence of misguided messages from self-proclaimed power brokers and would-be power brokers.
I believe that the people of this country need and deserve respect and care, every individual, no matter what their beliefs are. We do not need to agree with specific beliefs, but seeing another human being there, and caring about them no matter what their views are, is the highest accomplishment. And it supports a better future for all of us.
Being kind does not mean a bland compliance when meaningful principles are being violated, but it does mean never condemning another person as inherently bad, no matter how harmful their ideas and actions are. Their actions can be accurately seen as causing pain or harm, but there is always a human being hiding behind those harmful actions. We should remember that, because it is reality and because seeing it opens the door to a better future.
Knowing that there are good things to experience now and in the future, and trying to help other people see that as well, that is the way I want to live. It is how I overcome the negative messages and confusion in society and in many settings, while staying empathetic and joyful.
Why not give it a try? If you are already doing that, then congratulations, and keep moving forward!
