As a therapist, I frequently hear about how one or both members of a couple are stressed about the interaction with members of their own family of origin (usually parents or siblings), or the family members of their partner or spouse. Sometimes the level of stress in the couple is significant, and degrades their ability to be happy and relate with each other.
So, I would like to offer a few observations and suggestions about how to handle family members that are not good with understanding and respecting boundaries.
For some family members, the very word “boundaries” either is unheard of, or else is said to be “new age” or “touchy-feely” (as if those are necessarily bad things). One way I would define healthy boundaries is the having ability to productively interact and relate with another person, as opposed to ignoring the other person’s feelings and needs in a given situation. The latter can be felt as anything ranging from having one’s toes stepped on to being punched in the face and knocked down.
One valid and especially common need is for the extended family member to simply say and do nothing regarding a topic, despite that family member having strong opinions on the topic.
And when speech is used to express an opinion, here are some examples of statements that may cause friction (there are many!)
These sound rather extreme, but there are interactions within families that resemble this, every day. There are many ways outsiders (meaning anyone outside of the couple) give opinions and instructions, whether uninvited or unwisely invited, in ways that cause distress for a couple, and potential discord between the two partners.
So, what to do, if you or someone you care about is in that situation?
Rules #1a, #1b, and #1c are not “Location, Location, Location,” but rather: “The couple comes first, The couple comes first, The couple comes first.”
If one individual in a couple is criticized by a family member, the other partner in the relationship needs to stand by the person being criticized. It does not matter whether the criticism is somewhat valid; it is context, phrasing, and tone that matter. There is such a thing as constructive criticism, but words such as “You are a terrible cook!” or “You can’t wear clothes like that, that’s horrible!” are not an examples of this. The partner of the recipient can and should respond with “I am fine with the way things are, and we are discussing options. But this is a topic of conversation that neither of us wants to be in a public forum, so please, let’s change the topic.”
The difficulty is sometimes that one partner is harboring resentment and dissatisfaction, and the extended family member may pick up on that and use it, consciously or not, in order to ally with one member of the couple. There are subtle examples of this, and as above, some not-very-subtle examples of this.
After rule #1, rule #2 would be (as I see it): Do not meet the extended family member at the lowest common denominator. Don’t hurl back insults even if the initial comment that was made felt like an insult. If your father says “What? You are working for an environmental organization? Lawyers there make less than half of what lawyers in the business world make. How could you make such a short-sighted decision?”, then you and your partner can say “That may be the case about expected income, and thanks for mentioning it, but I / he / she is pursuing something that feels really important to her/him, and we both feel that is a great choice to make, at least for us. I hope you can appreciate that.”
The key is (and this is a central tenet of nonviolent communication) to respond and speak up, but never in a way to make the other person feel defective and shameful. Express your own needs and feelings, and don’t take the bait to find a way to “counter-attack”. Remember, there are no attacks, just misguided energy, so find ways of instead enhancing the healthy energy with family members.
One last rule, also very important, is rule #3: Feel comfortable setting limits.
If the family member continues to make demands, critiques, and other statements which arouse difficult feelings for one or both members of a couple, it is OK to say “Please, let’s change the topic.” If that does not work, it is also OK to say “I am getting uncomfortable, just let us (the couple) take care of this, I am starting to feel upset”. And if none of that works, even when said in a clear and firm way, it is OK to say “I am not feeling well, I think we need to head home” or if you are already at home together “I suddenly am feeling ill. Excuse me, I am going to the bedroom to rest. Please excuse me.” and walk away.
By expressing what you feel, without aggression but with clarity and firmness, it will not be necessary to hold on to anger, resentment, and other harmful states of mind. When you take care of yourself and your partner, the world around you tends to come into alignment.
Clearly there are many variations on the above examples and responses. This is a preliminary, short discussion, but because these difficulties occur so often with extended families, it felt important to at least start the discussion on this topic and raise some of the issues into the broad daylight of the written word.
I hope this is helpful, if ever and whenever you need it.
