Couples Counseling

Couples counseling for partners who want more connection.

Thoughtful, grounded, heart-centered therapy with David B. Alexander, couples counselor in New York.

Work through what’s not working, and enhance what is working, in couples counseling.

Many couples come to therapy when they have to some degree lost track of the wonderful feelings that initially brought them together. Repeated irritation and angry incidents with each other, and the inability to resolve these differences, cause frustration and exhaustion in a relationship or marriage.

We look closely at the communication that is going on, and the couple learns to use empathetic words that express deeply-felt desires that are in support of a healthy relationship. The work also involves listening carefully to the other, to be aware of the positive wish that is behind every communication. There really is a desire for a better life and a better relationship, behind every communication!

Why you might be considering couples therapy.

Here are some of the issues couples often experience; you likely have your own versions of these or other patterns based on individual needs as well as communication challenges:

The same disagreement flares — money, intimacy, in‑laws — then fizzles without resolution.
One of you reaches for physical intimacy and the other feels tense or indifferent. Or sex has almost totally receded into the background.
Small and large irritations (e.g. “You’re always late”) mask deeper sensations of loneliness and desire for connection.
Big life transitions — new baby, career and schedule change, empty nest — leave you both unsure how to adjust to this new stage of life.
And when there are joyful or appreciative moments, learn and practice how to share those deeply, for mutual happiness.

You know that you love each other. You want to stay together. But you need to feel better connected and less frustrated or hurt.

How I help couples communicate, connect, and start to feel a loving connection again.

Couples therapy is not a scripted process. We start with what’s happening now — what keeps repeating, what is being said and what is not being said, and what each of you wants to feel more of.

You will learn new ways to speak and respond from the heart, and we practice them during the session. You each experience how better communication supports good feelings and connection.

I will offer tools that fit the moment: a re-phrasing; a different focus; finding the positive intention or the fear behind what initially feels hurtful. Over time, conversations start to feel safer and beautifully fulfilling, and a renewed sense of partnership becomes your new reality.

What tends to shift following couples therapy.

I have helped couples enjoy being together again, which is the most fundamental goal. This also involves the individuals in the couple resolving some issues they have carried even before the relationship started.

Not all progress looks dramatic. Sometimes it’s a quieter ease, something that wasn’t there before. Progress can often be seen in less anxiety about possible conflict, greater enjoyment of sexual contact, and a sense of truly being partners in life.

Arguments don’t last as long:

Everyone disagrees at times — but you get unstuck much faster.

Physical closeness returns:

Intimacy starts to feel safe and exciting, not tense or obligatory.

Parenting becomes aligned:

Less tug-of-war, more coordination and collaboration.

The little things stay little:

Grudges stop stockpiling. There is space to breathe and enjoy each moment.

You talk more openly:

Unspoken assumptions get replaced by authentic conversations, leading to clarity and joyfulness.

There’s a shared direction:

You start to feel like a wonderful team again — a team with enthusiasm about building your shared happiness.

Modalities I draw on in couples therapy.

Every couple is different. I don’t follow a script. We reach for what’s needed in the moment. Sometimes, it’s just listening quietly. Other times, it’s trying something new right there in the room.

What becomes possible – together.

Couples don’t need a miracle. They need shifts that open new (or forgotten) doors.

“David has helped our relationship immensely. He’s kind and caring and listens well. His emphasis is on compassion and we are very glad we have him in our corner. It’s like taking a master class in communication and awareness.”

- AH

“David is a fine professional therapist who asks all the right questions. He gives helpful comments. It is clear that he cares about people and their problems.”

- Barbara L P

“I have been visiting regularly with David for four years now. David is an incredibly thoughtful therapist. He is both a great listener and he provides useful insights into why I am how I am, and how I can approach life more fully. His calm demeanor provide a peaceful sounding board for a wide range of topics.”

- MS

“David is organized when it comes to appointments and is really effective when it comes to talk therapy . It is a safe space during sessions . I highly recommend .”

- DD

“David is an amazing therapist. He is very perceptive, a great listener and kind. Would highly recommend him!”

- Anonymous

“An amazing person to talk to and help you find your problems. Amazing listener and a very calming person.”

- Anonymous

“David is a fine professional therapist who asks all the right questions. He gives helpful comments. It is clear that he cares about people and their problems.”

- Barbara L P.

Connect

At the beginning we focus on clarifying current experiences and goals. What does each partner feel repeatedly and in this moment, and what would they like to see change?

Explore

Weekly meetings with skillful guidance help each partner see more clearly how to respond in ways that support the health of the couple and of each partner.

Act

You practise new language in the room, then more and more at home. Small wins become bigger wins, and hurtful patterns transform into loving patterns.

Review Goals

Periodically we will discuss what has improved and what remains to work on. The goal is for you both to be clear enough to self-sustain new, healthy patterns.

Your couples therapy journey.

We start where you are as a couple. We look at what’s really happening. And we find a way forward that’s true to what enriches both of you.

Frequently asked questions

Do we always come in together?

Mostly, yes. Sometimes I may meet with each of you solo, but the heart of this work is in how you relate together, so joint sessions are the bulk of couples therapy.

What if one of us isn't sure about couples therapy?

Doubt or skepticism are welcome, as long as the individuals are willing to give therapy a sincere try. Bring your doubts, and if you wish, express them – we can make space for doubt and also talk openly about what’s going on and what you would like.

Can this fix cheating or a major betrayal?

I can help you both look clearly at what happened, what perceived needs caused cheating, and what healing is required. You both decide whether you are willing to do the work needed to heal.

How soon will we feel a shift?

Some couples feel relief after one session just from saying things aloud in a safe space. Deeper change requires more time, and the total time for therapy depends on the intensity of the patterns you are working on changing.

Will you tell us who’s right?

No, I will be focusing on mutual understanding. My job is to help each person feel heard, and help each of you understand yourself as well as the other. When empathetic understanding takes place and is clear, all other issues can be solved.

Do you work with high-conflict or domestic violence situations?

If there’s actual physical violence or serious safety concerns, I’ll refer you to specialists. The work I do depends on at least a minimal sense of emotional and physical safety.

Can we work with you remotely/online?

Yes. I offer secure video sessions for residents of New York State. I also see couples in person on Long Island.

Do you take insurance?

I am an out-of-network provider. Many of my clients receive reimbursement from insurance providers that have out-of-network coverage. I supply the paid invoices and you submit for reimbursement.

You still like and love each other. A new way to understand and communicate will help a lot!

Let’s move the conversation from blame to interest and curiosity, and then to affection – together, you can create the partnership you both want.

Couples Counseling